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The term “kink” is increasingly spreading on social media, but it is often used synonymously with “fetish.” We believe that clarification is needed here. A fetish is similar to a kink, but the two are not identical. You can have a kink and a fetish, just a fetish, or even one or more kinks! But what is what? We clarify this here in “Fetish vs. Kink”!
Kink explained: What’s really behind it
The word “kink” refers to a so-called ‘knot’ or “bend.” At first glance, this doesn’t seem to fit in a sexual context, which is why there is a specific definition here. When we talk about kinks in relation to sexual preferences, we mean sexual preferences that deviate from the classic norm. Many kinky lovers have little to no desire for vanilla sex, but instead have more specific preferences.
Important: If you have a kink, you are not abnormal, you just have different ideas about a fulfilling sex life.
With a kink, the only thing that matters is that there is mutual consent, and that is always the case in sexual partnerships between equals. To this day, kinks are still often classified as “perverse” or “abnormal,” but what happens behind closed bedroom doors is nobody’s business but your own. As long as a kink does not cause serious harm to you or anyone else, there is nothing to be ashamed of—an important point in understanding the difference between fetish and kink.
When does a preference become a kink?
There’s no easy answer to that question. Take heterosexual couples, for example. A preference for anal sex (instead of vaginal penetration) could be considered kinky. In the queer world, anal sex is standard for many gay men and, in the right setting, is even defined as vanilla sex.
What is a kink and what isn’t is in the eye of the beholder. Some people see harmless role-playing as a kinky preference, while others only think of BDSM practices and bondage games.
Fetishes explained: what makes them special
Now that we’ve shed some light on kink, the next step is to take a closer look at the other part of fetish vs. kink – the fetish. In the context of kinks, people often talk about fetishes. However, a fetish differs from a kink in that the practice of a certain act is necessary to feel sexual pleasure.
Example: A BDSM kink is defined more as something you enjoy, but you also get satisfaction from other practices. The clear definition of a fetish is that you only enjoy sex when your fetish is acted out.
Fetishes can relate to certain materials such as rubber or latex, individual body parts or even objects. There are common fetishes and those that are more rare.
When do I have a fetish?
A fetish (by definition) has a strong influence on the sex life of the fetishist. If it is not acted upon, satisfying sex is often not possible. For example, it may be essential for a foot fetishist to touch their partner’s feet in order to feel pleasure. If, on the other hand, feet are only a sexual highlight, the definition “kink” is more appropriate.
What are typical kinks among gay men?
Some kinks are so common that many gay men no longer define them as kinks, but as normal. Nevertheless, we would like to introduce you to the typical varieties that fall into this category:
Dominance and submission
The top-bottom dynamic is standard in many gay communities. However, there are many different facets to it. It starts with light dirty talk and ends with clear power relationships with role distributions such as:
- Sir/Sub
- Master/Servant
- Daddy/Boy
Elements from the fetish scene (such as masks, latex suits, etc.) can play a role or be left out entirely.
Role-playing and typical scenarios
Role-playing is also part of the kink scene. Classic scenarios can include:
- Police officer and prisoner
- Doctor and patient
- Teacher and student
- Craftsman and client
The list is endless, and often there is not just one preferred role play, but many variations. Depending on personal preference, puppy play can also be classified in this category. Again, it depends on how it is acted out. If you only feel sexually aroused as a puppy, it is more of a fetish.
Hard touching and dominance
So-called rough play is also one of the popular kinks. One partner grabs the other more forcefully, holds them tight, and takes control. The next evening, however, the same couple may engage in vanilla sex because it is not a BDSM fetish, but simply a kink.
Seeing and being seen
The thrill of being caught having sex is a turn-on for some gay men. This isn’t about having sex in a pedestrian zone, but rather in environments such as a sex-positive club where others could watch what’s going on. It’s a game of shame, tension, and secrecy that makes this kink so appealing.
Dirty talk and language
Praise, degradation, or taboo expressions are also part of kinks. Many gay men feel aroused when their partner whispers dirty words in their ear or gives them commands during sex. Even sex chats can be erotic if both partners get in the mood for a hot evening during the day.
Kinks are highly individual; what is hot for one person is not an issue for another. It is not only gay men who live out their kinks in bed. In the queer scene, but also among heterosexuals, kink-loving is very common and kink-shaming is considered taboo!
What are typical fetishes among gay men?
It is important to know that every fetish can be okay, no matter how common it is. Fortunately, shaming is now taboo here too. If you have a fetish yourself, finding a compatible partner is worth its weight in gold, otherwise problems can arise in bed. Here are a few classic fetishes that are quite common in the gay and queer scene:
The foot fetish as a classic
A fixation on feet, toes, foot odor, or certain shoes and socks is not uncommon. Practices such as toe licking and foot massages are part of fulfilling sex for fetishists. However, feet can also be used in a dominant-submissive context. Here, for example, the slave is ordered to lick his master’s feet or use his socks as a breathing mask.
Leather fetishes are widespread in the scene
The leather fetish is almost as old as the gay scene itself. There is even a special leather scene that originated in the United States and consists of gay men with a preference for leather and BDSM.
In this fetish, wearing, feeling, and smelling leather triggers sexual arousal. There are special leather bars and events where you can meet like-minded people.
Material fetishes in the BDSM scene
In terms of fetish vs. kink, certain material fetishes are widespread in the BDSM scene. Neoprene, latex, and rubber are particularly common. Depending on the specific fetish, practices such as deprivation, role-playing, or even full body covering are used. Sexual arousal in this fetish is strongly dependent on the presence of materials.
There are many other fetishes that are very present in the scene. For example, the Masc4Masc scene is particularly into pronounced musculature, sneaker lovers need the smell of worn shoes, and uniform fetishists get turned on when you stand in front of them in military dress. Regardless of the type of fetish, it is important that you are not ashamed of it. Even for rarer preferences, there are often enthusiasts, and the internet is the best place to network!
Conclusion: Fetish vs. kink – understanding, accepting, living it up
When comparing fetish vs. kink, it becomes clear that although both terms belong to the world of sexual preferences, they are by no means identical. While a kink is a pleasure-enhancing preference that can enrich your sex life without being absolutely necessary, a fetish goes much further – it becomes a prerequisite for sexual arousal. The discourse fetish vs. kink helps to better understand preferences and distinguish between them. The decisive factors are always: consent, openness, and acceptance of individual needs. Anyone who engages with the topic of fetish vs. kink not only contributes to their own sexual self-determination, but also to greater tolerance in society’s approach to sexuality.
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