In BDSM there can be a so-called“drop” or “crash”where a person experiences negative emotional or physical effects after an intense BDSM scene or session. There are two main forms of drop or crash in BDSM: the sub-drop, which affects the submissive person, and the dom-drop, which affects the dominant part. Dealing with a drop is crucial to ensure the health and well-being of all involved.
Drop or crash in BDSM – Why does it happen?
A drop or drop is a mental state that manifests when a person cannot master the emotions of a session. This can occur immediately during or after the session, but also delayed for days or weeks afterwards. The term “drop” is often used for this. There are several reasons for a drop, e.g. A session not going as planned, lack of agreement, exceeding limits or the game not living up to expectations, also the aftercare provided may be insufficient or if the physical hormone level drops too quickly after the session.
The submissive part (sub, bottom, serf) is usually affected, but the active role (dom, top, master) can also be affected, e.g. when confronted with shame and feelings of guilt for having crossed social boundaries.
What should be considered?
When one person is affected by a BDSM – crash/drop, it is important that the other person responds to them empathetically and lovingly. Open, non-blaming and compassionate communication can be helpful, but only if the person is willing to do so. Physical affection should also not be imposed. The most important thing for the stable person is to respond to the needs of the other person and to offer as much security as possible.
In order to prevent a crash, respecting the boundaries of your play partner(s) and closely observing and responding appropriately to physical and psychological conditions is essential. Aftercare is another important factor in preventing a drop, even if the session has not been stopped. Physical love, positive conversations and activities that feel good, such as walks, baths or shared snacks, can be helpful. If a drop does occur, here are six possible ways to deal with the situation.
Sub-Drop
Despite sufficient communication, it can happen that you as a sub misjudge a situation, which can lead to a sub-drop. For example, if you have expected something in advance that turns out to be unpleasant during the play. Even within the set limits, situations can arise that are judged differently in the end. This can depend on the form of the day or the playing partner. Suddenly, the pain feels unwanted or too strong, while the humiliation, which otherwise goes down well, is perceived as hurtful. In addition, there is the feeling of having misjudged oneself and of having failed, which can lead to shame.
Subs often have the demand to always live up to their Dom. If they fail to endure a certain punishment or to complete a task, self-doubt can arise. Especially when the safeword is pronounced and/or the session is stopped, it can feel like they are not good or strong enough. Despite the aftercare, such thoughts can get the upper hand and lead to a sub-drop.
Feelings of guilt and shame
Another cause of a sub-drop can be the feeling of shame. In our society, many people see pain and humiliation as a bad thing, and it is expected that you will not feel pleasure or arousal. Many BDSM practices are seen as abnormal or perverted, which can lead to subs shaming themselves for their proclivities.
Sometimes, however, the cause of a sub-drop is intangible. The human psyche is very complex, and dementia, fear and pain also affect our subconscious. In extreme situations like sex, pain and BDSM, our brain demands a lot. Under such circumstances, our subconscious mind may decide differently than planned or expected. A sub-drop can also be delayed or triggered by certain actions, situations or words.
Dom-Drop
Within BDSM dynamics, a lot is asked of a dominant person. The top is primarily responsible for ensuring that the session runs safely and that limits are adhered to. It is his job to guide the sub and regulate the intensity of the practices. Of course, mistakes may be made, as we are all human and can make mistakes. But when the misjudgement of the top leads to the sub experiencing unwanted suffering, it can eat away at the psyche. If the safeword is pronounced or the session is broken off, this can feel particularly bad for the top. Tops often claim to be infallible, and when this image is shaken, it can lead to insecurity, self-doubt and self-reproach – this is called a top drop.
Misbehaviour rarely happens on purpose. Sometimes it is due to getting into too intense a situation together during the session or missing signs. Although a mistake is not the end, the residual feeling of failure can sometimes be hard to bear.
As a Dom, you can’t be at your best physically and mentally every day either. In many practices, you also have to perform physically as a top, and if you are physically inferior to the sub, you may doubt your own abilities. There are also days when it is difficult to find the right words, to knot ropes perfectly or to be sexually aroused. All these things can be failures for a top drop.
Conscience
Another cause for an emotional crash with a Dom can be remorse. In our society, violence is seen as something negative and we do not usually take pleasure in inflicting pain on others. However, in BDSM – especially sadomasochistic practices – that is exactly what we do.
Deviating from social norms and breaking taboos can cause a Dom to feel remorse. From the outside, the Dom takes on the role of the perpetrator, even if everything is consensual. It is difficult to distinguish consensual violence and humiliation for oneself. Despite consensus, it is not self-evident that one always feels at peace with oneself.
What was great fun and excitement during the session can lead to discomfort, remorse and even a dom-drop afterwards. One can ask oneself: “What have I done? Am I allowed to like this? Am I a bad person?” or “Does my partner still love me as much as before? Have I scared my sub?” Such thoughts are stressful.
6 ways to deal with a drop/crash
In this section we would like to present various methods that can be helpful in the event of a drop (whether dom or sub-drop). However, there is no one-size-fits-all solution, as everyone has individual needs, especially in sensitive situations. Therefore, use this list as a suggestion and find out which options work best for you.
1. Intimacy after the drop
Just as with regular aftercare after a BDSM session, physical intimacy can also be helpful during a drop. However, it is important to ask beforehand if this is desired. The point is to make your partner feel safe by holding them, making them comfortable and exchanging affection. The focus is not on sexual arousal, but on the need for protection and security.
2. Satisfy needs
BDSM can be very exhausting and especially during a drop the body plays an important role. Therefore, physical needs such as warmth, cold, sleep, thirst, hunger, pain reduction and rest should be fulfilled during a drop.
3. Distance after the crash
It is important to understand that näheath is not always desired in a crash. It can be just as normal to need more space and time for yourself in such an emotional situation. In the case of a drop, it is important to ask beforehand whether a hug or physical intimacy is OK. If this is not the case, you should instead sit or lie down with some distance and ask if this is okay. Although touching during a drop is often considered stressful, the presence of a person can still be healing. However, if the person being treated asks to be alone, the wish should be respected. It is also possible to just keep in touch by hand.
Often it can be helpful to take a break from the topic of BDSM during a drop. Play items should be removed, costumes and toys should be stored in a cupboard. It may also be a good idea to leave the room where the play took place. In some cases, the person who has fallen may need to withdraw from their play partner. In this situation, it is important to discuss this ‘break’ together beforehand and agree on a time when there will be no contact. It should also be planned how contact can be resumed later. If a drop is so severe that you decide not to play together anymore, you should not simply break off contact, but talk about it.
4. Encouragement
Although it is not advisable to simply suppress a drop, distraction can be a temporary option, especially if you are not yet ready to deal directly with your feelings. For example, you can go for a walk, ideally in the fresh air and sunshine. You can also cook something and watch a film together, listen to a podcast or read a book. Some of these activities can also be done together, with more or less physical comfort.
5. Exchange and reflection
It is important not to simply suppress a drop, but to allow, accept and classify your own feelings. There are several ways to do this:
- Write down your feelings and give them a name. Even if this sounds strange, it can help to structure your thoughts. The result does not have to be shown to anyone and can also be destroyed afterwards.
- A drop can be a signal that boundaries have been crossed during the session. Use this knowledge to redefine your boundaries and to develop a better understanding of what you actually want and don’t want.
- Even if it doesn’t necessarily have to happen immediately, it is helpful to talk about the drop. An open conversation can promote understanding and clear up misunderstandings. It also shows that a drop is not taboo and takes away the threatening nature of the topic.
- An exchange within the BDSM scene or with other understanding and objective people can also be helpful. It can provide reassurance that you are not alone with these emotions and you can benefit from the experiences and strategies of others. It is important to realise that you are not the only person who has ever crashed.
6. Next Play
Planning a session where you feel particularly confident. Focus on the basics and the practices that you enjoy the most. Before the session, consciously talk about your limits, your consensuality and ask questions. Avoid making the session too long or too intense, and readjust if necessary. Just be extra mindful and don’t let a drop take away the joy of your BDSM lifestyle.
How can a crash/drop be prevented?
To prevent an emotional crash, make sure you respect your partner’s personal boundaries and be sensitive to their physical and mental states. Respond appropriately to avoid uncomfortable or stressful situations. Aftercare after a play session is very important, even if the session was not terminated prematurely. This supportive phase helps to prevent or overcome possible emotional lows (drops). Make sure that the participants have the opportunity to relax, communicate and stabilise emotionally.
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