You are gay, lesbian or feel you belong to a non-heterosexual orientation or gender identity, but are afraid to admit it to yourself or other people? Then you are like countless other people. Because coming out is not always easy! People who consider themselves part of the LGBTQ community still have to deal with a lot of prejudice from society. Are attacked and discriminated against by religious or politically conservative forces. Coming Out Day, which has been celebrated every year on 11 October since 1988, aims to encourage people to come out of their sexual orientation or gender identity.
Roots of Coming Out Day
Like so many important events in the LGBTQ community, Coming-out Day (COD) originated in the US. The first day of action in 1988 was intended to commemorate a large rally the year before. When around half a million people took to the streets at the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. Since then, Coming Out Day has taken place every year. On this day, exhibitions, lectures and discussions on the topic of coming out take place.
What does coming out mean?
Coming out is when a person decides to reveal an important part of their identity to other people. This can be family, close friends, work colleagues or sports buddies. For LGBTQ people, coming out means revealing their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
The inner coming-out
A decision to make such a confession is usually always preceded by an inner coming-out. The process of inner coming-out is about the person first becoming aware of their sexual orientation or gender identity for themselves. This requires them to come to terms with their own sexual orientation, which can often be an uphill struggle. The inner coming-out, which usually takes place between the ages of 14 and 17, ideally ends with the person accepting their own sexual orientation or gender identity and embracing themselves as the person they are.
Outcast people are often exposed to a growing pressure of suffering because they have to hide an essential part of their personality from their environment. And can only live out their longings and sexual desires in secret and thus inadequately or not at all. They experience it as a great burden not to be able to live as the people they are. Therefore, many LGBTQ people find their coming out a real liberation to be able to come out in front of other people.
Coming out to the outside world
A still difficult undertaking today is the second phase of the coming-out, namely the confession in front of other people. In the case of the coming out, it is ultimately about informing the people who are important to you about your sexual orientation or gender identity, and thus creating the conditions for you to be able to live your everyday life much more freely. A person can, may, and must decide on their own in front of whom they come out. A forced outing, as practised by Rosa von Praunheim, should be avoided at all costs.
Everyone must have the complete freedom to decide whether to come out only to individuals, to a specific group, or to the public. Some people deliberately choose not to come out at all, which is to be respected. Those who want to accompany this process can offer their support. It would be counterproductive to demand a coming-out or even to out someone against their will.
Many reasons for coming out
There are probably as many reasons for coming out as there are gay, lesbian, bisexual or otherwise defining themselves. People often want to come out because they are in a relationship and do not want to hide their new partner. The search for a relationship can also be a reason for coming out. Another reason is simply the desire to get in touch with people who share one’s sexual orientation. It is not uncommon to simply want to share who and/or what you are with other people. Ultimately, there is no need for a specific reason. If someone wants to come out, that is enough of a reason.
This means that it is important to understand that ultimately it is always about you. Realise that it is your life that is at stake. Certainly there will be people who are sceptical or even reject you. Here it can be useful to adopt an appropriate motto for your life. For example, some people decide not to waste their lives with people they do not accept and to stop contact. This can lead to hard and painful breaks. But it should be emphasised once again that it is ultimately about your own life, the course of which only you can decide and which only you can shape in such a way that you are happy as the person you define yourself as.
Support for the process of coming out
Going through the process of coming out does not usually work overnight. It can take months or even years and proves to be a challenging and problematic time for many. Self-doubt sets in, one worries about possible reactions, and the thoughts circling in one’s head threaten to burst it. But the confrontation is necessary. What can be helpful in coming out is the support of people who have already gone through the process. They show you that you are not alone on this path.
There are now many counselling centres where you can get competent help and support. It is important to focus on young people, as the suicide rate for gays and lesbians between the ages of 12 and 25 is four to seven times higher than for heterosexuals of the same age. Considering the fact that many young people still face the difficult task of coming to terms with their own sexual orientation or gender identity, the youth groups active in many places specifically for gay, lesbian, bisexual or pansexual young people are proving to be valuable institutions.
Exclamations like “fag” or “faggot” are sadly still common in schools. Often used to mock or insult others by labeling them as gay. To combat this, many schools are implementing anti-trans and homophobia projects to create a safer environment for LGBTQ+ students. Additionally, there’s a growing challenge in schools with students from Muslim refugee families, whose cultural backgrounds may make it hard for them to accept non-heterosexual identities, making it tougher for LGBTQ+ students to be open about their identities. Integration officers play a crucial role in addressing this issue.
Coming-out in a difficult environment
Particularly, people who come from a religiously or culturally very conservative environment face particularly great challenges when they decide to come-out. There are still cases in which conservative, religious families reject those who come out as non-heterosexual or even try to forcefully convert them, for example through so-called conversion therapies, forced marriages or rape.
Here too, institutions can support those affected, who are often queer refugees, in going through the difficult process of coming out, for example by accommodating them in specially protected accommodation. The counselling centres of the LGBTQ community have meanwhile set up special offices.
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