Covering in the BDSM dating world refers to the safeguarding by trusted third parties. Nowadays, this is done less by traditional ‘chaperones’ and more by informed people who are good confidants. Modern technologies like mobile phones and some smart strategies play an important role here. Because dating problems can affect anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. It is difficult to feel 100% safe, so additional outside security is often a sensible measure when going on a BDSM session with someone you don’t know yet.
Be on the safe side – What the informed person should know
It is important that the person covering you has the following information ready in writing – this can be helpful in case you pass it on to the police. A copy of identification can also be useful to quickly identify someone. Covering offers some protection, but is not a substitute for healthy self-assessment and deliberate action. The informed person does not necessarily need to know that they are dating someone in the BDSM environment, but this knowledge can be helpful. Finally, the best protection is ineffective if the phone runs out of battery or there is no reception on site.
Important information you should tell the person covering you:
- The place and time of the meeting
- Your mobile number
- Information about the people involved
- Contact numbers of the police and of persons to be informed
- Code words to use as a call for help if you are in distress – these can be overt or covert, for example, from “Please feed the dog” to “Yes, everything is fine”.
Progress of the cover:
- the person calls at agreed times
- when the code word is called, the emergency plan comes into effect and the police are informed
- if the course is positive, the arranged calls should still be made
- it is advisable to arrange to call again the following day – both for feedback and to plan further dates
Sure precautions are taken in advance
Disclosing personal information on internet platforms or in chats can lead to problems. It is not necessary or advisable to give out your full life story and address at a first casual meeting.
Here are some tips to protect yourself beforehand:
- Maintain a healthy scepticism about the personal details of your counterpart. A person’s behaviour and personality can often be very different in real life than online.
- Look out for so-called red flags (warning signs) such as problematic statements or behaviour on your date.
- To protect yourself from stalking, you should not give out real information such as your name or address. Stalkers can pose a real threat and are hard to get rid of.
- Be aware before the date that you will be covered and that you will be giving out information about the date. This announcement can be a deterrent. Someone who discourages you from covering may not be a suitable partner and may have bad intentions.
You can also ensure your safety on site
Avoid meeting places like public parks, the great outdoors, parking lots or hotels. Your date’s car should also be off-limits, even if they offer to pick you up or walk you home, whether you have a car or not.
The first meeting should always take place in a well-attended, public place such as a café or restaurant. Make sure the place is easily accessible and, ideally, choose a time when you can easily leave the place without waiting long for a transport connection. It is advisable to let the staff of the place know that you are going on a blind date, so that they can react quickly in case of any problems.
Hold back on the first date so that you have enough time to think about meeting again. If you have doubts, it can be helpful to sleep on it for a night to sort out your thoughts and feelings.
Safety precautions for more intimate meetings
If you trust your date and are meeting for the first time in a more intimate setting, still be conscientious and be sure to get covered again.
Here are some important points to keep in mind:
– People often behave differently in intimate situations than they do in public.
– The person covering you can only react appropriately if the meeting place is known. So avoid spontaneous changes of location.
– If you want to play together or have sex, discuss the safeword beforehand and communicate in detail about your wishes, expectations and especially your limits.
– Make sure your date knows the most important safety rules.
– Refrain both from alcohol and drugs to make clear choices.
– Make sure you are not given drugs or knockout drops.
– Drink your drinks from the same bottle to make sure they have not been tampered with.
– Refrain from using defenceless play techniques such as shackling or gagging.
If, despite all precautions, something goes wrong, and you need help, there are appropriate places to go and experts who can help you in an emergency
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