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Imagine explaining during a lunch break with colleagues that you are, for example, a vegetarian or that you support a particular political party. That is called an “outing,” as you reveal something about yourself to others. Coming out about your sexual orientation works in a similar way. When you acknowledge and share your sexual orientation with yourself or others, this is referred to as coming out.
What Is Coming Out? A Declaration!
If you’re wondering why it’s called “coming out,” you can begin by examining the term itself. This essentially means “coming forth” or “making something public.” It’s about revealing something about yourself—an aspect of your identity, a value, or a preference—informing others, and bringing clarity. This step can come with challenges, as your declaration may be met with rejection, which you then have to handle. For this reason, a coming-out should be carefully prepared.
Coming Out as a Process
Coming out usually occurs in several phases, although these are not set in stone. Every individual is different, so the phases can vary in length and intensity. However, most people go through these stages in some form.
1. Pre-Coming Out or Identity Confusion
At some point during childhood or adolescence, people may begin to feel that they are “different” from their peers. They might sense that something about them is “not right,” leading to fears and feelings of guilt. For example, while others are attracted to the opposite sex, they may feel more drawn to the same sex. They are unable to understand or categorize these feelings yet, often remaining unaware of societal norms that assume heterosexuality. Intuitively, they choose not to talk about their emotions. Parents might sense something is going on and, in some cases, attempt to “correct” it with religious or disciplinary measures.
2. The “Inner” Coming Out
In this phase, individuals gradually come to understand what is happening within themselves: they feel exclusively or partly attracted to their own gender. This realization is often troubling, increasing their fear of being different. This fear is exacerbated by confronting family, friends, or acquaintances who hold unconscious biases or prejudices against LGBTQ+ individuals. The thought that they might belong to this marginalized group intensifies their fear of rejection and exclusion.
3. The Suppression Phase
Especially during adolescence, people are often already familiar with the (still widespread) prejudices and negative stereotypes about LGBTQ+ individuals. This knowledge often leads to attempts to suppress their own inclinations, resulting in intense inner struggles. In this phase, often referred to as stigma avoidance, individuals are unable to accept themselves and may attempt to completely suppress their feelings. Some may even make efforts to become heterosexual. Tragically, parents sometimes play a harmful role by forcing their child into “conversion therapy.” The emotional distress in this phase can be immense.
4. The Phase of Identity Tolerance and Self-Acceptance
Eventually, the emotional distress becomes so overwhelming that individuals begin to question their previous beliefs. During this phase of identity tolerance and self-acceptance, they actively seek information and/or connections with like-minded individuals. They may also start exploring their sexuality, watching related media (like porn), using sextoys, experimenting with intimacy, or attempting early relationships. Growing self-acceptance brings joy and a sense of liberation. They begin to strengthen their identity as a queer person, and initial coming-outs often occur within the safety of the LGBTQ+ community.
5. The “Outer” Coming Out
The final phase of the process is known as the outer coming-out. This step typically occurs once individuals have internally accepted who they are: a queer person with a homosexual (or bisexual) orientation. They no longer wish to keep this self-awareness to themselves and choose to share it with the people who matter most to them. This process often starts with close friends and family. Positive reactions play a crucial role in enhancing self-acceptance. This phase extends throughout life, as new people and situations constantly arise, requiring decisions about whether to come out again.
Challenges After Coming Out to Family
Coming out to family and friends can be challenging. According to Coming Out Day e.V., there are still families in Germany that reject their child after a coming-out, sometimes even throwing them out of the house. Additionally, statistics show that 7% of LGBTQ+ youth under 18 have attempted suicide, highlighting the difficulties they face. Many struggle with depressive moods (66.9%), anxiety (36.1%), or self-harm (17.9%). LGBTQ+ youth need to know they are not alone. Unfortunately, families often fail to provide this support.
Special Challenges: Coming Out at Work
Outing at work involves additional considerations. A 2017 survey revealed that about a third of the 3,000 gay and lesbian participants had not come out at their workplace, often due to fears of discrimination. A outing in the workplace can, in the worst case, lead to bullying or even job loss. The situation is even more difficult in schools, which are still considered some of the most homophobic environments in Germany. Anyone considering coming out at work or school should carefully think about how to proceed.
Your Coming Out, Your Decision
Ultimately, the decision to come out is entirely yours. You decide if, when, to whom, and how you want to come out. The process can take years, and that’s perfectly fine. You set the pace and should never feel pressured into coming out. Forcing someone to come out, as Rosa von Praunheim did in 1991 when he outed Alfred Biolek and Hape Kerkeling on a TV show, is not acceptable. You should be ready and willing to come out on your own terms.
Facing Challenges During Coming Out? Seek Support!
If you feel stuck in your coming-out process, reach out for support. There are many organizations in Germany that offer anonymous and confidential coming-out counseling. Always remember, you are not alone on this journey, and there are people willing to help and support you.
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