Contempt in relationships emerges from brewing negative thoughts. It bypasses habits and transgressions, aiming straight for the heart and shattering one’s self-understanding through sarcasm, ridicule, and hostile humour. Contempt, often known as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” along with criticism, represents the harmful behaviours in a partnership. Conversely, stonewalling and defending serve as the defensive behaviours to counteract contempt.
What kind of contempt is there in relationships?
Reaching a point of contempt in relationships is a dangerous sign, signalling the potential end of the partnership. Contempt, a mixture of disrespect and disgust, serves as a strong predictor of an impending breakup or worse. It signifies years of unhappiness, rendering the partnership no longer deserving of its name.
It is difficult to fathom looking at your loved one with contempt, viewing them as inferior and unworthy in your eyes, emitting a subtle but powerful loathing. This perilous sense of assumed moral superiority erodes intimacy and undermines the foundation of equality that relationships depend on.
5 causes of Contempt in relationships
1. You think your partner is unworthy or inferior
Disdain can be triggered by a behaviour or a set of behaviours. However, the emotion targets the person – not the behaviour itself – and creates a no-win situation. The longer and more intensively you know someone, the better you know their weaknesses and habits. And the easier it becomes to be intolerant of what you don’t like. However, contempt is not only about differences in style and preferences. It is about the belief that another person has a moral or character flaw that makes that person unworthy and inferior in one’s own eyes. In this respect, contempt smacks of condemnation and self-imposed moral superiority.
2. You accumulate resentment towards your partner
It is really tragic that contempt has the possibility to grow in a partnership. After all, it is not a spontaneous reaction to an unpleasant conversation or situation. Instead, it arises from a steady, smouldering build-up of resentment over time. Too many disappointments. A lot of neglect. Too many broken promises. All of this begins to bubble under the surface, like magma in a volcano, ready to pour out on everything in its path as the volcano explodes.
3. You project your own problems onto your partner
When you are the despising person in your relationship, your rejection is directed outwards towards your partner. But your projection actually hides (at least partially) what you despise about yourself. You are not pointing at certain behaviours or faults, but at damning character judgements you have made, such as: “You are lazy / weak / crazy / stupid / irresponsible!” – Instead of focusing on how you and your partner can communicate better. It is amazing how many people miraculously become psychiatrists in their relationships without the necessary qualifications – able to diagnose their partner’s mental incapacity. “He’s a narcissist!” “She is neurotic/bipolar/psychotic!”. Nowadays, it is also possible to search the internet in a flash to justify one’s own diagnosis and to get the desired confirmation there.
4. You must always be right – no matter how wrong you are (or your behaviour is)
Disdain does not lead to change – ever, on any side. But like a karmic boomerang, it serves as a petri dish for more of the same. Through “projective identification” people almost instinctively live up to how they are perceived. If you tell a teenager often enough that they are lazy and stupid, you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you keep telling your partner that he is wrong, correcting and criticising him inappropriately or in an inappropriate environment, with a demeanour that is disrespectful and only serves to cut off communication, you will thus get exactly what you “wished for”, regardless of your real wishes – not to mention those of your partner.
5. Because of your relationship history, it has become a pattern of behaviour
The tragedy of partner contempt is that it is so unnecessary and avoidable. Some people have a wicked personality and tend to project their self-appointed superiority onto everyone in their lives. But if your love turns to contempt, instead of sharing your feelings and needs openly and confidently, you have probably been storing up your negative thoughts for a long time. Perhaps you have also tried to communicate in the past, but met with indifference, lack of compassion or lack of change. And the repeated defeat was simply not worth the effort. Your angry retort may seem like you are looking for a way out. But in reality you are destroying your own health and happiness as well as that of your partner.
5 ways to prevent contempt in relationships
1. Manifest positive behaviours in each other
Do you remember “projective identification”? It works positively too! You have the choice to manifest the behaviour and qualities you are looking for. If you are only concerned with negative perceptions and disturbing qualities of your partner, you will soon succeed in feeling contempt for them. However, if you can imagine the life you would like to have with your partner, the successes and achievements you would like to have for your partner, and how beautiful the future together will be, you can manifest these hopes and dreams for the future together. And if you try to bring out the best in your partner and support them in what they want to do, they will want to do the same. And you will grow closer and happier together.
2. Change to a more optimistic view
If you want the happiness you once knew, but feel so hurt that you don’t know how to achieve it, change your perspective. Your thoughts – both positive and negative – inevitably influence your life and your choices. A relationship, like the people who make it up, tends to live up to the qualities and advantages attributed to it. The way you see your partnership changes what you see.
3. Be more attentive when you communicate
Try to communicate more directly, especially if something is bothering you – of course always respectfully. Even though it may seem difficult to find a way to communicate more directly with your partner, do your best to avoid bottling up worries and problems. Because they may seem small at the moment, and this can create a climate of resentment between the two of you. Listen to each other when the other feels hurt, without interrupting or belittling their feelings. Remember that you can only overcome hardships together.
4. Take responsibility for your actions and the pain you have caused your partner
Trying to heal a relationship means cleaning and tending to the wound that caused the problem. It is never easy to take responsibility for something that is causing another person so much pain. But it is the only way you can show your partner that you stand by them and really appreciate who they are and what value they have in your relationship. In these situations, no one is innocent, and you need to acknowledge that. Whatever superiority you have felt, or whatever level of judgement you have made, you need to let it go completely. Questions like: “Was I right about everything?”. “And how much did it mean in the end?” quickly reveal what really matters in the end.
5. Make your partnership a place of gratitude and appreciation
You can create a fresh new beginning for your relationship by building a foundation of renewed love, gratitude and appreciation for each other. Forget the little things that aren’t worth getting angry about. Instead, remind each other who you fell in love with and why. What makes your partner special to you as a person? Remember all the little things that made you smile or gave you butterflies in your stomach. For example, the adorable, sleepy smile he has when he comes down the stairs in the morning. Maybe it’s worth looking through some old photos to see where you were a year ago, five years ago or 20 years ago and how far you’ve come together since then.
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