The safeword or codeword is a term that should always be discussed in all sexual encounters and also in BDSM. It refers to a pre-agreed word or group of words used to end a session or relationship.
Many people mistakenly believe that safewords are only necessary in very extreme situations. But every time you try something new or interact with a new partner, you should agree on safewords. Because this is mainly for protection of the submissive partner or bottoms, but dominant people or tops should also use it.
Safeword? – Safeword!
Regardless of the situation, it is essential to establish safewords together with your partners. It may seem like a minor issue at first glance, but it is one of the most important decisions you make. Although this guide covers many aspects of BDSM, the information it contains can also be applied to partners who do not live in dominant and submissive relationships.
What is a safeword?
Safewords are absolutely necessary to align yourself during erotic experiences and ensure that everyone involved is safe, comfortable and satisfied. It is your lifeline – without it, you could accidentally cross the line between consensual and non-consensual behaviour, and this experience could be damaging and damage the trust between you and your partner.
Sex, especially in a BDSM context, can be a very emotional experience that can be overwhelming. <Safewords allow you to take a break and sort out your feelings if you need to. We would like to emphasise the word “safety” at this point.
Safewords are essential in any BDSM scenario to ensure your (you guessed it) safety. In what situations should you use these basic words?
List
Here is a list of scenarios in which their use is indicated:
- Panic breaks out and you want to stop.
- The pain becomes unbearable.
- You feel uncomfortable in a scene.
- Breath control games are too intense and feel suffocating.
- The scene has reached a level that makes you feel uneasy.
- You feel dizzy or sick.
- You need a break or need to discuss something before continuing (in which case you should use a cautionary safeword)
For this purpose, a word or, even better, a noun that is not used in your sexual context is suitable. It must be unambiguous and easy to remember. Everyday objects like “kitchen roll”, “laptop bag”, “notepad”, “remote control” or “jam” are good for this, as long as the latter is not part of the game.
Just because someone agrees to an activity does not mean that they are obliged to stay in the middle of it. Safewords are available at any time. It goes without saying that Safewords must always be respected. If you don’t slow down or stop when your partner says they want you to, you break trust and can make your partner feel physically and emotionally hurt.
There are three ways in which safewords can be used:
- A word that means “Keep up the good work!”
- A word that indicates that you are uncomfortable and should slow down your activity.
- A word that means that all activity must be stopped immediately.
Light or Slowword
A simple and common way to implement this is the traffic light system, where the use of the colour “red” signals the immediate termination of a session. “Yellow” is considered a slowword and means that the intensity should be slowed down, but the session does not have to be stopped completely. The colour “green” is not normally used unless explicitly requested. The colour “green” means that everything is fine, and the actions are being enjoyed.
What if I have a mouthful?
In some types of sexual play, where a person is prevented from speaking by a gag, for example, a prior safe sign must be agreed upon that can be clearly and unambiguously signalled by gestures or dropped objects to indicate immediate cessation of activity.
Gestures can also be used to enable a slow stage instead of safe words. For example, showing three outstretched fingers can mean: “This far and no further”. A ring of thumb and index finger can signal an immediate stop. Tapping once could mean “slow down”, while tapping twice could mean immediate termination. An object held in the hand can also be used. For example, a yellow object in the right hand meaning “It’s still going, but please don’t do it any more” and a red object in the left hand meaning “Stop now”.
Think of the following: “Stop now”, “Stop now”, “Stop now”, “Stop now”, “Stop now”, “Stop now”, “Stop now”.
Come up with your own system, and try out what works well where and is unambiguous above all else!
Here are some sample actions to stimulate your creativity and to find your own method (or you can adopt one of ours if you are brave).
- Repeat the opening and closing of your hands.
- Blink a certain number of times.
- Sound a small bell.
- Lightly snap your fingers.
- Drop an object that you hold in your hand during the scene.
- Tap a small bell with your fingers.
- Knock three times on a nearby surface
Pick a safeword
So you’re convinced that safewords are unlisted, but you’re unsure how to choose your own? Don’t worry, we’re here to help. Remember that both partners can use a safe word. During a session, there should be regular consultation to ensure that everyone has a good time. The use of a safeword does not necessarily mean that the experience has to end – it simply means that you should take a break and talk to each other to change something. Unless of an Immediate Stop, word is called out.
Checking can be done in a fun way without looking like a clinical procedure.
Do
- Before the activity begins, agree on the words to be used as safe words.
- Use a safe-word only when it is really necessary – the aim is to avoid a situation of “crying wolf”
- If necessary, there should be a surface in the vicinity to ensure safety (more on this will be explained later).
Don’t
- If you feel uncomfortable, avoid using words that make you feel uncomfortable. As soon as you feel uncomfortable, use the agreed safeword and take time to talk to your partner about it.
- Don’t play scenes with someone who doesn’t respect the use of safewords.
- A gag should be used if no safe acts have been agreed.
What else is involved?
It is very important to establish the safewords and any slowwords or appropriate characters before the start of a session, as long as everyone participating is in a clear state of mind. It should also be agreed in advance by mutual consent how long these words or signs should be valid. For example, whether they should only apply during a particular session or for an entire relationship. In the case of a long-term agreement, it may also be useful to agree on a break word.
It may happen that entering a subspace causes a deep, trance-like state in a bottom, which may make him unable to speak. In this situation, it is important to monitor the bottom’s reaction time and ability and to establish safe signals in advance. If these signals cannot be followed or executed, the session must be terminated immediately. The traffic light system is also a suitable tool in this situation: if the sub is no longer able to respond to requests with greetings or a predetermined positive gesture, the session must be terminated.
Aftercare!
After the use of the safeword, it is crucial that all parties involved make intensive efforts to aftercare in order to be able to talk openly and free of prejudice about the reasons and the experience. This is especially true because the likelihood of an emotional crash after a session is broken off is very high.
It is necessary to take care of both physical and emotional needs. This may include:
Attending to both physical and emotional needs.
- Cleaning all toys used
- Snacking on chocolate to increase sugar levels
- Optional: showering or bathing to maintain body temperature during recovery
- All about the experience with your partner: What did you like and what didn’t.
It is important to remember that safe actions or words are there to protect the participants and should not be used as a way to build pressure. Regardless of experience, these should be included in every session.
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