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When it comes to sex between men, most people immediately think of anal sex. Clichés assume that all gay men automatically want it “from behind”. We all know that clichés and truth are often miles apart. Of course, not every gay man likes anal, and our repertoire of sexual possibilities is not limited to this one practice. Let’s take a look at what a “side” is and why it has to fight so hard for recognition in the gay community.
Many people don’t even know that there is an option called ‘side no anal’ – but for many men, it’s exactly what they want.
The gay division into active and passive anal sex
When it comes to gay dating, one of the standard questions is: “Are you active or passive?” This sounds as if there is no alternative for gay men, but rather an obligation to practice active or passive anal sex.
- Active means: You actively penetrate your partner.
- Passive means: You let your sexual partner penetrate you.
And what if you don’t like either? At least for some gay men, this is still not well received today. It is a fact that anal sex is widespread among gays and that it is more difficult for you as a man if you don’t practice it.
Some men describe themselves as switchers. These are those who not only like to be active or passive, but also like to change roles. Whether top, bottom, verse or side, anal is just as much a part of gay reality as anything else.
The meaning of side in gay sex
The term side was coined by a sexologist in the United States (Dr. Joe Kort). It has existed since 2013 and is used to describe men who do not practice anal sex at all. “Sides” often have a hard time in the gay community because anal penetration is very widespread. As a result, some men hardly dare to express their rejection and even overcome it in order to have better chances on the dating market.
This is a mistake, because you have the right to your own preferences and your own desires in sexuality. If you don’t like anal sex, you are just as okay as someone who describes themselves as active or passive. “Side no anal for me please!” is not a sacrifice, but a conscious decision for other forms of intimacy.
Why “sides” reject anal sex
A lover of sex with anal toys or real people will not be able to understand why someone does not want to do it. After all, it’s fun, isn’t it? The eternal search for reasons is not helpful, because there doesn’t always have to be a reason. If you don’t eat tomatoes, nobody should doubt this rejection, but simply accept it as a given.
A small consolation for you: a lack of understanding for refusing certain things is not limited to anal sex. Many people have to justify themselves when they don’t smoke, take drugs, drink alcohol or eat meat. Persuasion attempts are the order of the day here.
There are definitely reasons why a side doesn’t fancy anal sex, which can even be named in theory. But the fact is – you don’t have to give your reasons. You don’t like it? Then that’s reason enough to accept your attitude. Anyone who describes themselves as a ‘side no anal’ is saying: I know my limits, my preferences and I stand by myself.
Nevertheless, we would like to share some potential reasons why anal sex is rejected:
- Pain during sex: Some men are tense, feel pain during (passive) anal sex and have no desire for stretching games with a plug or repeated failed attempts. They find fulfillment in other practices.
- Disgust at feces: Yes, feces are a natural waste product and accidents during anal sex are no reason to judge, reject or insult a person. Nevertheless, it is just as acceptable if someone cannot overcome their disgust and therefore prefers to refrain from anal sex.
- Health issues: Prostate problems, a narrow anus, hemorrhoids, anal prolapse, fissures – the list of possible anal conditions is long.
What’s more, anal sex can have health consequences, especially if it is not performed with the necessary preparation or caution. With good protection, lots of lube, relaxation and perhaps poppers, most men will be fine during sex through the back door. However, there is still a potential for cracks, injuries and pain. If you are afraid of any kind of anal penetration, that is your right!
Fact: If you are Side, no one has the right to question your decision. Only if you want to talk about your reasons yourself, you can do that. Otherwise, your no is reason enough to accept you and your attitude.
Sexual pleasure is also possible without anal penetration
Maybe as a Side you will eventually come across the question of how you actually have “sex” or get your money’s worth. Side no anal – and still wild, tender, connected. After all, it’s about more than just a body orifice.
There are numerous ways to have a fulfilling sex life without penetration:
- Oral sex: For many men, blowjobs are the epitome of sensuality. Whether active or passive, blowjobs are a welcome change and can be an important part of sexuality for sides.
- BDSM: Lovers of BDSM practices derive satisfaction from various forms of dominance and submission. The variety in this spectrum is huge.
- Handjobs: A penis massage with a happy ending, a targeted handjob, solo wanking – the hand is an important part of the sex life of gay men.
Now critics will argue that during a blow job or hand job, closeness to each other is lost. But there are possibilities for this as well. For example, some men use lubricating gel between their buttocks so that the partner can achieve satisfaction through friction without actually penetrating. There is no limit to creativity and, given the possibilities, anal sex is just one of countless satisfying sex practices.
Why you don’t have to be ashamed of being a Side
Stigmatization and exclusion is something that the LGBTQIA+ community has been fighting against for years, and only slowly achieving more and more success. However, hostility does not always come from outside, but also happens within certain groups.
If you come out as a Side, it can lead to disappointment, shaking of the head and rejection in your counterpart. No reason for you to feel bad. By choosing “Side no anal”, you are making your own decisions about your sexual desires, just as your partner had the choice to opt for anal intercourse.
When dating, however, it makes sense to point out your preferences right from the start. Just as “active and passive” is standard in profiles on apps like Grindr, the word “Side” should also become established. This has the advantage that men who don’t want anal sex can look for potential sexual partners in a targeted way. Our tip: No matter what anyone says, stay true to yourself and your desires. You’re not wrong for not liking anal sex! The gay community is diverse – ‘no anal’ is just one facet of it, but one that deserves more visibility.
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