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Lesbian culture and its terms are diverse. A “stone top” is someone who is more dominant during sex but rarely climaxes themselves. Sex can be compared to giving gifts: Sometimes it’s just about seeing the gleam in the other person’s eye. And sometimes you want to be spoilt yourself. Some people prefer to give, others prefer to receive. In a sexual context, however, the line between giving and receiving is more clearly drawn, especially when it comes to pleasure.
In the queer community, there are specific terms for different preferences and roles. As the LGBTQ community grows, so does our vocabulary. Let’s have a closer look at how sexuality and preferences are expressed in the queer community and what terms are used.
Tops, bottoms and everything in between
If you’re new to gay sex, you might be wondering how the roles work. It’s actually quite simple, even if it takes time to figure out where you stand. “Tops” are the ones who mainly give during sex. There’s a stereotype that tops are often masculine, but many gay men would tell you that’s not always the case. Masculinity hardly plays a role here.
Similarly, with bottoms, there’s no reason why you have to be female to conceive during sex. The assumption that receiving is a female role can be problematic, especially among gay men, because it is often seen as “less worthy”. This idea is a form of latent misogyny. It’s time to overcome such prejudices and allow everyone to freely choose their sexual role.
Let’s be honest
Before we go into too much detail, let’s talk about lesbians. Their definitions of “top” and “bottom” are often very different, and understanding that is very important to the whole discussion about stone tops. For them, “top” and “butch” are often synonymous, as are “bottom” and “femme”. But just as with gay men, lesbian femmes can also be tops – that is, be more dominant or more yielding in the bedroom – without blurring their status as lipstick lesbians. There are no rules, only guidelines.
What about me?
Is it possible that someone doesn’t fit into any of these categories? Absolutely! Identifying as “verse” is common in the LGBTQ community. “Verse” usually means you have fun both ways. But you can even take it a step further and call yourself “verse top” or “verse bottom”, meaning you have a preference but also like to try yourself on the other side when the stars align (and you’ve showered sufficiently).
If you still don’t recognise yourself in any of these descriptions, don’t worry: many people avoid these labels altogether. Trans, bisexual, asexual and gender non-conforming people, for example, have a more fluid definition of their sexuality and role preferences. And it’s entirely possible for someone to present as masculine or masculine on the outside but prefer to take on a more passive role in the bedroom, even if that means they’re not necessarily a bottom. (And let’s not even get started on doms and subs ).
Have we turned your head yet? Luckily, you’re the one defining your sexuality for yourself. As long as you’re comfortable with your identity, you can forget about everything else! Or, you know, just let him spoil you. Whatever floods your trench.
So, what is a stone top?
Here comes the term of the hour: the stone top. When you hear the term, you might think, “Okay, that’s someone who just lies there and doesn’t make any noise, right?” Well, not quite. There’s a fascinating story behind the term.
Let’s go, lesbians!
A stone top is a term used primarily in the lesbian community, but can also be used to refer to gay, bisexual or genderqueer people. A more specific term for lesbians is “touch-me-not”, which is often used instead of “stone”. Regardless, the feeling is usually the same: those labelled as “stone tops” have a marked disinterest or even aversion to receiving sexual touch. They are intent on giving pleasure to their partner without being touched themselves.
Legend of the Stone Butch
Stone Butch refers to butch lesbians who exclusively take the dominant role in their relationships. These lesbians are often very chivalrous and derive pleasure from pleasuring their partner, who is usually a stone bottom, also known as a “pillow princess“. But now it’s not just lesbians and butch people who are limited to these terms. People across the queer spectrum, regardless of their masculinity or femininity, use the term to describe themselves or their partners.
Stereotypes are not helpful in the discussion. But now that we are freeing ourselves from binary ideas, androgynous and non-binary people have also discovered these terms for themselves. Trans people are also finding their place in the Stone(r?) community. Despite its origins in lesbian culture, there is room for everyone, to quote the poet Gia Gunn: “There’s room for everyone, let’s just say that.”
The meaning of the Stone Top: Truly untouchable?
Does someone who identifies as Stone Butch or Top really think they are untouchable? You’d have to ask them that. People often allow themselves to be categorised in ways that they don’t necessarily fit into. Labels are an imperfect way of expressing our desires, not a norm to which we must adhere. A top can be a bottom with the right partner. A masculine person can present as a femme in the right situation. A stone can allow different touches depending on how comfortable it feels. There is even a funny term for this: “melting”. Can a stone melt? Only if you make it melt (and respect the previously agreed limits).
Is it bad to be a stone?
It’s easy to assume that the term implies something negative or that a “stone” needs to be corrected. But that’s a bold assumption. Sexuality is complex, and often there is no clear reason why someone has certain preferences. Perhaps a person who resists touch has dysphoria or has been abused in the past. Or maybe not. But to say that this is the only reason is short-sighted and unproductive.
In short, no, it’s not wrong to be a “stone butch” or “stone top”. And many partners will like, love and accept you for it.
Are you in the stone-bone zone?
Dear LGBTQ community, it’s okay to be stone-boned. It’s also okay to melt, to be masculine or feminine, to be top or bottom, or to express your sexuality in whatever way feels right for you. For some, these labels are important because they help them identify with others and themselves.
But one of the most beautiful things about our community is our ability to adapt and understand each other. Now that you are more familiar with the term “Stone”, you may feel validated or seen. You may have also discovered a new group of people who can help you understand and accept yourself better.
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