What is Ghosting? We all know that the dating world is changing. Today, we don’t necessarily meet Mr. Right in the supermarket or at the club bar, but increasingly through apps. We get involved in conversations, develop an interest, exchange contacts – maybe even first dates – and then …?!
When someone cuts off communication without explanation – thus extends to all things, it seems. Most of us think of it in the context of digital disruption: a friend who doesn’t respond to a text message, or worse, the lover. But it occurs in all social circumstances and is linked to the way we see the world.
But there are another phenomena on this subject. If we don’t reply to a data message within 10 minutes, we are immediately labelled as a ghoster. So what is the best way to deal with the issue of ghosting in dating?
Ghosting is a touchy subject – stay fair!
Studies have shown that social rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain, i.e. there is a biological connection between rejection and pain. This is true for friends, partners and the occasional date.
Staying connected to others has evolved as a human survival skill. Our brain has what is called a social monitoring system that tells us how to react in a given situation based on moods, people and environmental influences. However, when one is affected by ghosting, there is no closure, and one questions oneself and one’s choices, which sabotages one’s self-worth and sense of self-worth.
This ambiguity is the real dagger in the back/heart. Ghosting can thus be seen as a form of silent treatment comparable to emotional cruelty. So how can one avoid this from the outset – as giver or receiver of ghosting?
One way is to be selective about who you want to deal with. Also, you can get a sense early on what kind of person you are dealing with. There is no checklist, but it is a good indicator to observe how the person treats other people.
The Challenges of Modern Dating and Maintaining Meaningful Connections
Ghosting has a lot to do with how comfortable someone feels and how they deal with their feelings. Many people assume that talking about their feelings will lead to a confrontation. This mental expectation leads people to avoid things that make them uncomfortable. Then, when it comes to complex relationships, the ease and sheer volume of choice in dating makes us numb to it.
In the dating world, where a person meets many people outside their social circle, there is a sense that you don’t have much responsibility when you get in touch with someone. Their friends don’t know your friends, so it’s easy if you never meet them again in real life.
Adding to this is the pace of modern life, which often makes it hard enough to maintain contacts, friendships, relationships in real life; it’s impossible to actually hook up with everyone you’re supposed to like online.
Here’s a good test:
- How many of your Facebook friends are real? If you’ve met someone once, and they’re now in your feed for life, you might want to weed them out
- If a friendship feels like too much work, maybe it is
- Good friendships should not feel like a chore on your to-do list
- Communication should come from both sides
Sometimes it is best to break up with someone, even if you were once close. Breaking up can be the natural progression of a friendship; the same is true for lovers, often an even more delicate matter. But it depends on the way one lets go.
“To ghost or not to ghost”
There it is, the first hello, and you type (friendly as you are) a few nice words back. The answer comes promptly, and now you go to his profile and have a closer look at him. Sympathetic, but unfortunately not your type at all.
With so many options, you have to filter through a flood of information, which is why quick sorting out is becoming more and more common, as your time is precious, especially to avoid chatting unnecessarily and for a long time with someone who is not right for you.
Insincere, casual small talk on dating apps is about as exciting as washing dishes. But a complete conversation breakdown – and thus ghosting – should not be either. So what do you do? You write to him: “Sorry, I’m not interested/it doesn’t suit me, but I wish you much success.”
The number can go well, but also bring you a lot of trouble. Quickly, you are superficial, because your counterpart feels naturally rejected. Or you’re an asshole because you didn’t say so straight away, and so on. The rejection never feels good, and in the case that you say it, it is advisable to stay resolute about it.
One way to avoid this cycle is to change the way we reject people. Instead of apologising, it’s important to be honest and set clear boundaries. It may sound harsh, but a direct “no” is better than staying in limbo. It may be the reason why some people don’t take the hint and continue to message, even after a friendly rejection. Repeated apologies establish a social norm that allows the rejected person to say it’s okay and forgive them, which can lead to further unwanted conversations.
Conclusion
Taking the risk of telling someone how you really feel – even if it is not what they want to hear – has its advantages. For your self-esteem, stress, blood pressure, and spending more time with people who matter to you.
Our “always-on” culture has greatly diminished empathy, which is why we find ourselves trampling on the feelings of others. Yet, despite the many ways we can, we still look for connections. The power of the internet and the ease with which it disrupts our lives will only increase. The impact of this shift – especially of the internet – will depend on how we use it.
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