Normally, activities during sex between men usually take place without many words. Everyone knows what to do and what their partner likes or dislikes. According to the model of the “Wheel of Consent” this changes, because those who adhere to this concept not only have to obtain their partner’s consent for individual actions. But also answer the question of who benefits from the intended action. Sounds exciting? It is and here you can find out what the Wheel of Consent is all about.
What does consent actually mean?
A generally accepted definition of consent is that someone obtains permission from another person or group of people to do something with the authorisation of that person or group. However, there is another important aspect here, namely the relationship dynamics involved in this process. An example can illustrate what is meant. Someone says to another person: “I’m moving house this weekend and need a car to transport my things, can I borrow your car?”. This means that someone wants to do something with something that belongs to another person in order to help themselves. So they ask the person for permission. So far, so clear, so simple.
However, a different relationship dynamic is also possible. Here, too, an example can show what is meant. Someone says to a friend, acquaintance or relative: “I’m moving house this weekend. Will you bring your car and take my things to my new flat for me?”. Here, the person asking is asking someone to do something with something that belongs to the person being asked and thereby help the person asking. This is different from asking for permission, even if it is primarily just about who is driving the car.
Consent & agreement are ubiquitous
The terms consent and assent are often used in the context of sexual acts. When you hear the word “consent”, you too will almost automatically make a mental connection to sex. Movements such as #MeToo prove just how important this link is. They show how elementary and self-evident consent should be, but isn’t, especially in the sexual sphere.
But consent plays a role in almost every area of life. Which is why it is important to revisit this topic on a daily basis. For example, who benefits from taking on this or that task at work? Why does it make sense to ask permission before doing something? Do you do something good for another person with a certain action and at the expense of your own benefit? When shopping, at school, in the office or with friends and family, consent is needed everywhere if we are to live together successfully. If you also want this consent in the bedroom during sex, it makes sense to learn beforehand how to achieve consent in principle and in every area of life! Once you’ve done this, you can apply it to your sex life.
More emphasis on consent
Imagine that in the fictitious conversation we just had, the parties were not talking about a car. But about something to do with touching, intimate touching. Someone asks their partner: “Can I lick your bum?”. This is about consent to touch someone the way you want to by asking the person for permission.
If, on the other hand, the other person asks: “Will you lick my bum?”, the question is whether the person being asked is prepared to touch the person asking in the way they want to be touched. The different questions make it clear how important it is to realise that consent in sex. Or any kind of intimate encounter involves more than just permission. It’s about being honest in communication and ensuring that everyone involved benefits from their own and their partner’s actions whenever possible. Put simply, this means that the Wheel of Consent helps to ensure that everyone gets their money’s worth and benefits from the actions that are taken.
Finding consensus prevents disappointment
With every measure that is only accepted or not explicitly agreed upon, there is always the risk that it will have a negative effect in the end. Here is a simple example of what is meant. If someone takes your fridge from your house without telling you or without your permission, the person is a thief, and you are a victim of theft!
Or imagine you ask someone to move your fridge on your behalf. And they do the job even though they don’t really want to. Then you will probably be driven by a sense of entitlement. And the person who moved the fridge will probably feel taken advantage of afterwards.
Transfer these examples to your love life and think about how often you may have experienced intimate situations in this way and how you ultimately felt. Being taken advantage of or stolen from is a painful experience, especially if you have to do it in a vulnerable place like the bedroom.
Communication as the key to consent
Admittedly, many men find it rather unsexy to have endless discussions in the bedroom. Instead, desires are communicated by giving your partner what you would actually expect from them. The hope behind this is that they will understand that they should reciprocate what they have been given. Perhaps the supposedly good things you do for them are not at all what they want. And in order to please their partner, they end up enduring the act and ultimately not enjoying the sex, which can be a problem. The only thing that helps here is communication, an open exchange about what pleases the other person.
This also includes being able to say no and not giving your consent. Some men love sex toys, others want sex in the form of roleplay. And still others are into unprotected sex without condoms. If you can go along with these things as a partner and enjoy them yourself, you can ensure exciting hours with a yes. However, you and your sexual partner must also have the freedom to refuse consent to certain practices and acts. This can be achieved with open communication and the Wheel of Consent.
What is the intention of the Wheel of Consent?
In contrast to many other models of consent, the intention is the addition that the wheel of consent model makes. The Wheel of Consent does not focus solely on the question of who performs a certain action and whether the other party has consented to this action. There is also the important question of who benefits from the action. The consensus wheel therefore looks at the direction in which the gift of the corresponding action flows? The model can help to answer the question of whose wishes come first and which of the people involved put their wishes at the back of the queue.
In essence, the Wheel of Consensus serves as a kind of navigation tool that radically questions the previously accepted understanding of giving and taking/receiving. The Wheel of Consent opens up the possibility of looking at this understanding of oneself and, with regard to a relationship, much more clearly. The concept can help to develop a greater ability to act and better communication skills.
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