Consent is like the thumbs-up in the world of sex. It means that everyone who engages in a romantic/sexual round is really on board with it and says yes to certain actions or types of relationships. Sometimes it can be as simple as saying, “Hey, can I touch you like this and like that?” and then only going ahead if the other person actually says, “Sure, go ahead!“
This yes is important because it makes everyone in the situation feel respected and comfortable. Remember, a thumbs-up always means: all right, we’re ready!
What’s Consent got to do with BDSM?
In BDSM, mutual consent is a pretty big thing. Why? Because BDSM practices often push personal boundaries, play with them, and can sometimes be uncomfortable, painful or even risky.
Consent is usually obtained through extensive communication before a session. You just have to make sure that everyone knows what they are getting into. To make sure that everything is still cool during the game, there are usually safewords. Sometimes these agreements are made only verbally, but some people make a real contract out of it.
And here’s the kicker: the agreement can be revoked at any time. As soon as all parties are on the same page about the planned activities, the time frame and everything else, and give their okay, we talk about consent. But if actions are carried out without consent or someone ignores a “stop” – then we have a problem and that is abuse.
The SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) principles – or other guiding philosophies – are often used to frame all this negotiation. Both revolve around the fact that every person has the freedom to decide what happens to him. And that this freedom of choice must be respected.
The thing about well-informed consent
Consent is half the battle in the BDSM scene, but the people out there go one step further and talk about “informed consent”.
What does that mean exactly? Well, informed consent means that everyone who participates is actually able to give their “yes, I do” and knows beforehand exactly what they are agreeing to. This is especially important when it comes to practices that do not seem consensual at first glance. Such as forced orgasms or rape play.
Generally speaking, you can’t really give informed consent if you’re not in your right mind, you’re under the influence of drugs or alcohol, you’re not fully educated about the risks, someone is lying about important things, pressure is being applied and so on.
And just to be clear: If BDSM goes off without fully informed consent, then we are in the realm of abuse. So always make sure everyone has the whole picture before the handcuffs click.
Meta agreement
Meta-consensus, that sounds like something from a science fiction series at first, doesn’t it? But actually it means something like a “mutual understanding”. Imagine that you and your partner define a general framework within which you can have your BDSM session without discussing every single action in detail. For example, you could agree that BDSM acts can take place at any time in private. This is like a flat-rate permission for unauthorised actions.
But here, too, this blanket permission can be withdrawn at any time. And to make sure that everyone is still on board, it is a good idea to renew this consent regularly. So, a kind of BDSM subscription, if you like.
CNC – Consensual non-consensual
Now it gets a bit complicated: Welcome to the world of CNC, or Consensual Non Consent. Sounds contradictory at first, doesn’t it? In reality, it is a kind of game, not a consensual type. You practically give the go-ahead so that the other person can pretend that they don’t need to agree. This means that you even allow your own boundaries to be overstepped. Some even give this consent with the idea that it cannot be withdrawn.
CNC is a sign of extreme trust and understanding and is mostly used in 24/7 relationships. But beware, the thing is highly controversial in the BDSM scene – due to concerns about abuse and safety. Some argue that such consents are often given without precise knowledge of what is planned, and that the consequences cannot really be estimated.
So, this is hardcore stuff that should only happen between people who know and trust each other very well and have the same preferences, fetishes, kinks and no-go.
The Swinging Yes – Dynamic Consent
Dynamic consent is a bit like jazz – it flows, it changes and is the complete opposite of things like CNC or contractual consent. Here, consent is seen as a kind of flow that can change at any time. This is especially great for people who are new to the “Bottom” game and may want to change their mind when they get into activities that they don’t really know how they will feel about.
A dynamic approval model aims to ensure that both the dominant and the submissive have fun. It reduces the likelihood that someone who is submissive will go along with things they don’t like just because they feel obligated or are afraid of spoiling the moment.
Communication is the be-all and end-all in this model. Part of the consent can be verbal, but paying attention to the partner’s body language is also an important point. Because not everyone is always willing or able to put their opinion into words when they change it. But the body usually sends signals when something is not pleasant or desired.
The legal side of consent
As said at the beginning, consent separates play from abuse. Many BDSM games look from the outside like something out of a thriller. Bondage could be considered a deprivation of liberty, spanking an assault, and verbal humiliation an insult. This is worth mentioning, because there are always cases where the police are called in – often by people who have no idea about BDSM but are concerned.
Many think a written contract stating the consent can protect them from false accusations. But in reality, such serf or gaming agreements usually have only symbolic and no legal significance. They can, however, be used as a clue to determine, for example, whether there was consent to bodily harm. Another way is to tell friends. This is not a guarantee of immunity from prosecution in the case of a false accusation, but it definitely can’t hurt.
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