Some BDSM wishes and fantasies can be very intense. Especially for beginners, it is advisable not to act them out immediately, as they often deviate greatly from reality. Imagine you discover an inclination in yourself that you define as BDSM after you have informed yourself about it. This tendency manifests itself in vivid dreams or daydreams of submission, pain and pleasure.
The scenarios in your head are wild: you want to be forced to do things that others might find abnormal. You imagine being kidnapped and taken against your will. You dream of being beaten and feeling pleasure. Want to be tied up until you are completely defenceless, at the mercy of someone who can do whatever they want to you. You want to submit to someone without being allowed to make your own decisions. You long to be “taken” and not through consensual sex with a loving partner who tenderly brings you to a climax.
Many subs have similar fantasies forming in their minds. Up to this point, it’s all understandable. But what now? The question is not how you find a dom, but:
Is this really what you want?
This may sound like I’m questioning your desire, but I’m not. I know this desire from my own experience. Perhaps the question should rather be: Do you really want what you are fantasising about? Remember the saying: Be careful what you wish for! Do you really want what you are imagining?
Do you want a stranger to attack you, take you just like that, beat you and humiliate you? I don’t think so. Do you want someone to beat you, perhaps subjugate you by hitting you, just to then have their way with you? I don’t think so. Do you want a man to simply penetrate you without any preparation, take you, and then leave you without taking care of you? No, I don’t think so.
This is the real problem: how do I reconcile my fantasy with reality? There are two possible scenarios: Either you currently have a partner or you don’t.
You have a partner
If you are in a relationship, you could tell your partner about your BDSM wishes and try to live them out together. However, this would mean that he or she would have to turn into someone who beats you, uses you and submits to your will for a certain period of time or permanently. That sounds strange, and it is, especially for your partner. I don’t know anyone who can just do that at the drop of a hat.
“I have experienced this situation myself. After many years, my partner and I can now let ourselves go while “playing” (the word doesn’t really fit, but “having a session” sounds too formal). The most important thing is that he can let off steam because he knows how far he can go and what I can tolerate. We are constantly evolving and never stagnate.”
– shared by one of our customers
Back to the inexperienced partner who is confronted with these BDSM wishes. Many will say no or look at you in confusion, laugh sheepishly or signal that they think you’re crazy. Unfortunately, this often happens. Then you are faced with the choice of breaking up, living out your addiction outside the relationship, or suppressing your desires. But that’s not the issue here.
The important thing is that you don’t expect your partner to immediately turn into a perfect dom, even if they show interest. Nobody is born a dom. There are people with a tendency to dominate, but that doesn’t mean they know what they should or want to do from the start.
What applies to a sub also applies to a dom
They also have their own BDSM wishes, ideas and fantasies that they have to reconcile with reality. If you’re lucky enough to have a dominant side that your partner hasn’t lived out yet, you still won’t have a partner who suddenly fulfils all your fantasies of kidnapping, violence, beatings, bondage and rough sex. Instead, he will continue to have loving sex with you.
No one turns into a dominant character from one moment to the next, be it a dom, a master, a wolf or something else. If that were the case, that person would seem very suspicious to me, as it could indicate mental instability, which would seem rather dangerous to me.
The same applies to subs: even if you have deep trust in your partner, you shouldn’t expect to immediately experience extreme submission that makes you sink into subspace. Be realistic, don’t expect too much. Don’t be disappointed if the first time you play together doesn’t fulfil all your fantasies.
No partner for BDSM wishes?
Is it harder or easier? That depends on how you approach your search. Are you falling naively into the hands of a would-be Dom, or are you proceeding cautiously? The reality is that even after many conversations and agreements, you will not immediately experience what you imagined. This is also true with an experienced dom. How are you supposed to be able to let yourself go once you meet him?
Besides, you probably don’t want to live out a rape fantasy the first time. This means that you won’t experience what you imagined. You can still have a great session, feel the pleasure of pain, humiliation and submission, but it won’t be exactly what you dreamed of. And that’s a good thing! A man who fucks another against his will is not a dom, but a rapist. A responsible dom will not fulfil your fantasies in this way.
BDSM is ultimately a game, a game of consent. You can allow a dom to do certain things to you, but nothing should be done against your will. You have to understand that, even if that’s exactly what you want. Furthermore, you want to be submissive and want something to happen against your will? Unfortunately, you won’t get that, and rightly so.
Compromise is the key
I hope you find the ideal partner, be it sub, dom, or anything else you desire. But unfortunately, the likelihood of that is rather low. That’s why compromises are necessary. You may have to put some of your desires aside, but other, unexpected desires will be fulfilled.
A BDSM relationship is based on give and take. It’s not just about receiving or being passive.
Over time, you will realise that you may not want to live out some of your fantasies, such as being taken by strangers. But these fantasies can still be part of your play, with partners your dom chooses and knows. Or abduction: Even if you know that it is your partner who is abducting you, it can still be exciting if you get involved. Imagination plays a big role. Imagination, empathy and a little acting are important, especially with extreme fantasies. This way, you can finally live out your BDSM wishes without being damaged or broken.
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