Masturbating is not only okay, it’s actually healthy, and word of this should have spread even to religious rural areas by now: It reduces stress and strengthens the immune system. You sleep better, your heart and circulation are trained, you burn about 150 calories per spin, your testosterone level rises, which helps build muscle mass, and the prostate also benefits: the increased blood flow prevents inflammation, and because the fluids stay in motion, pathogens can’t take hold there so easily.
Since rubbing makes you want more, it’s considered the best prerequisite for fulfilling sex with others. In addition, you get to know your own preferences without pressure to perform. Last but not least, you don’t always have a lover at hand (what a fitting pun). And even if you do, “reloading the piston” is exactly the technique that leads to orgasm in most sexual encounters, ergo: keeping in shot (this may also be understood ambiguously)!
Onanism, masturbation, wanking, what am I actually doing?
The simple answer would be: having fun. Or: I am promoting better sex in the future. Or: I make sure that my genitals stay in good shape and my mind is awake. But nowadays only facts, facts, facts count. So:
The word »onanism« goes back to the Bible. When Onan’s brother He died, Onan was to impregnate his deceased brother’s wife to continue the branch of the family. But because he (not Him, but Onan) wanted to inherit his parents Judah and Hira on his own, he vowed to his pregnant wife, but always pulled his cock out of her before cuming. In Moses (38:9) this means that he let his seed fall to the ground and perish. Onanism should therefore mean the interrupted sexual act (coitus interruptus). So if someone catches you in the future and accuses you of onanism (and this is the word that playful people use most of the time), you can throw yourself in your face and deny this accusation. Who would want to fuck his wife and then be so stupid as to pull out his dick half-finished? Shhh.
Masturbating
Here, too, the negative derivation of the word, namely the Latin one, is often quoted: manus »hand« and stuprare »abuse«. No one can rule out that the word masturbation is not derived from the following: mezea (Greek) = »penises« or the prefix mas- for »male« combined with the Latin turbare, »disturb«. »I put my penis in turmoil« sounds much better than »I fornicate with my hand« doesn’t it? Mas-turbation could also come from »Turbo«: Just shift up a gear and off you go.
Wank
Originally, the word described the polishing of footwear with shoe polish, formerly called shoe polish. One can also get »eine gewichst kriegen« (get a wank), which then means a slap in the face or an electric shock. It is interesting that the nominal form has become an insult: Wanker, flat wanker or multinational: mind wanker. Nobody says »You masturbator« or »You masturbator, you ey!« A particularly funny variant is »dickless wanker«. In any case, this insult makes about as much sense as calling someone an »eater« or »breather«. Everybody does it anyway. So the next time you are called a »wanker«, say – at least inwardly – »Yeah, sure ey, what else?«
Autosexuality
We find the term »Autosexualität« quite nice. Of course, it stands for »Sex with oneself«, but at first hearing it sounds like sex in a car, which is why you can calmly answer the admonishing question »Have you satisfied yourself?« with »But where do you think I have autogesext«.
Self-satisfaction
Self-satisfaction is by far the nicest term to our ears, if only because it is completely free of negative judgements. After all, there is hardly anything better than being satisfied or content? There is only one small limitation to the term: one only satisfies oneself, yet there is nothing more noble than helping (another) to be satisfied and content. After all, there is hardly anything better than being satisfied or content?
Masturbating-Myth: »Only the losers jerk off!«
But at least they are in good company. Because the Egyptian sun god Reatum felt lonely, he jerked off into his fist »until it was filled with semen« (sound familiar?). He then drank it and created his son Shu, god of air and dryness, and his daughter Tefnut, goddess of moisture.
The famous philosopher Diogenes (399 – 323 BC) often jerked off in broad daylight in the open street. When asked why he did this, he replied: »I wish I could also rub my belly so that he wouldn’t be hungry.« Among the ancient Greeks, it was considered normal for boys to rub one out under the bench during lessons.
And the Römer? They hung pendants in the form of stiff dicks around their children’s necks to protect them from mischief. During religious processions, the god Mutunus Tutunus, represented by a large penis covered with flowers, was solemnly carried through the streets of Rome. They’re crazy, the Romans, aren’t they? Egyptians, Greeks, physicians, architects, philosophers, artists, all of them losers!
The German physician Daniel Gottlob Moritz Schreber, on the other hand, was one of the great winners. He developed numerous patents, with the help of which he successfully prevented his own children from masturbating. Four of them ended up in psychiatric hospitals. Ungrateful children, when all he meant was good.
Unfortunately, Schreber was neither the first nor the only one to follow the delusion that he had to stop wanking. He himself was only a puppet of the myths that had been growing for many hundreds of years. Some of them have survived to this day …
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