In the BDSM world, a clear distinction is made between two roles. One part is the “Dom” and takes on the dominant role during sex. The counterpart is a “sub” and submits to his lover (source: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM-Rollen). Those who like to switch back and forth between the individual sites are considered “switchers” and therefore have a particularly wide choice of potential bed partners.
You’re not from the BDSM scene, but you’re still interested in the more precise definition of the terms? Then join us now on a horny journey through the world of dom and sub!
The dom – much more than just the boss in bed
Only you can decide for yourself whether you are a Dom. There are some typical signs that fit this role. Do you like to take control during sex and give your lover clear instructions? The needs of your sub are important to you, and you pay attention to his and your pleasure? All of this could indicate that you have a Dom inside you. Your clear task is to take responsibility for what is happening and not to exploit the helplessness of your submissive sub at any time!
By the way: “Dom” is not an easy term to define, as there are many different types. Daddies, for example, are often also dominant, but this is due to age and experience, not a desire for control.
The sub – is submissive, but not without will
Do you sometimes wonder whether you’re not just a submissive personality, but a real sub? Because unlike “bottom”, the term sub doesn’t just describe your general status during BDSM play, but mainly emphasises submissiveness and devotion. Listen carefully to yourself, because the role of the sub is played out on a psychological level. Is it your innermost desire to mentally submit to your lover and “submissively” surrender? Are you willing to give him control and your trust, knowing that he knows what is right for you? If you answer these questions with “yes”, there is a lot to be said in favour of being a sub.
Good to know: You alone decide how much control you allow your Dom. You are not a will-less sex toy, but a man with clear desires and needs. It is quite possible that you wear the trousers in everyday life in your relationship, while you only let your man take them off in bed.
Your duties as a Dom – this is how you become a good ruler
As Dom, you will encounter many a temptation. Your submissive sub is kneeling in front of you, the anal plug is sunk deep into his tight arse, and you would love to use it right away. Nothing stands in the way of this, provided you respect the boundaries and wishes of your sub. There are reasons why many BDSM relationships include a contract that specifies red flags and permitted practices. Just because you are dominant does not mean that your partner’s will no longer counts. In fact, it’s important that you have regular feedback conversations with your sub and listen to them when they have something to say to you.
As a dom, you have a lot of responsibility in bed. Especially when you tie your lover up, gag him, and he is completely at your mercy, you have to decide for two. If he wants to stop a game, it is your duty to make sure he does. If he has a gag between his lips, you are responsible for his well-being. So remember: The hot arse is yours, but only if your sub has given you the okay.
Your duties as a sub don’t leave everything to your Dom
As a sub, you submit yourself and give up a large part of the erotic control to him. This means he takes on a great deal of responsibility, and that requires trust. One of your tasks is to set boundaries and communicate them to your dom in good time. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it for his sake. This is unfair to the dominant partner, because he has to be able to rely on your statements, gestures and needs.
You clearly define your sexual playground and decide how far the Dom can go with you. If we have a closer look, it becomes clear that you are actually just as dominant as he is, because your boundaries are taboo. A real sub always keeps his level and knows exactly what he wants. No Dom has the right to treat you in a disrespectful and despicable manner or to ignore your needs. If you are attracted to such a lover, he is definitely not a real dom, but actually just a …!
Closely related and yet not the same – Dom and sub are not the only prominent roles
There are a number of roles in sexuality that are similar to the dom/sub relationship, but not identical. We would like to introduce you to the most important and best-known ones:
- Master/Slave: The role combination is similar to that of Dom and Sub, but as Master, you take more control over your slave. This type of relationship often goes beyond the bedroom and lasts 24/7. Protocols and formal rules define the framework of this dom-like relationship.
- Sadist/Masochist: Do you like to inflict pain on or humiliate your submissive lover and (almost) get off? Welcome to the world of sadists. Your perfect match is a masochist who passionately enjoys the pain they inflict.
- Daddy/Little: If you are a daddy, you take on the caring, protective (and at the same time dominant) role. In an adult context, we talk about a kind of parent-child dynamic (ageplay), whereby your Little is clearly young, but no fewer young. Daddy and Little relationships do not have to be in a sexual context and are often on a completely different level.
- Handler/Pet: Fans of pet play categorise themselves into different groups. As a handler, you are the dominant person responsible for a pet. You take loving care of your pet as part of pet play, sex can, but does not have to play a role.
Conclusion
You don’t have to allow yourself to be pigeonholed in your sexual existence. Especially in the BDSM scene, there are so many variations and deviations that this can be impossible. It is entirely possible for you to be the Dom and submit to your lover during a session, and then you become the dog, and he becomes the pet the next time you meet.
However, all variations have one thing in common: it is crucial that you both get your money’s worth and that your needs are taken into account and honoured at all times. For the game to run safely, a predetermined safeword can be essential and aftercare should happen for both of you after a hot game. Then nothing stands in the way of a hot role reversal.
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