Everyone has certainly heard it before: “Oh, that’s worrying. I would see that as a ‘red flag’.” Red flags are a metaphorical term for certain behaviours, statements and attitudes that you should look out for in potential lovers. In order to recognise these red flags as early as possible, today we would like to present a few of these warning signals BDSM or behaviours that you may come across, especially in the dating phase or at the beginning of a relationship. It serves to protect against manipulation, toxic relationships, serious injury and more.
Sometimes in BDSM, dominant types are also referred to as “dumbdom”. There is a fascinating diversity of wonderful people in our community. We are a colourful conglomeration of individual differences, which is what makes this world so appealing. Unfortunately, there are also black sheep among us. Everyone encounters such philistines at some point. They are people you should stay away from because they have an unhealthy understanding of BDSM or simply don’t suit you.
New times, new mores?
Many behaviours that are considered problematic today were previously accepted or less condemned. The understanding of all sides, whether Dom, Top, Switch, Bottom, Sub or Serf, has become much more comprehensive today. Therefore, some of our advice may sound a little cautious to some. However, we may also offer new food for thought. And even if not, it doesn’t hurt to remind yourself of them again.
1. already in his mind, without your consent
In today’s digital world, we are often judged on the basis of superficialities and titles we have given ourselves. We enter our preferences and roles into forms and no matter how good our profile text may be, some people simply read over it. It often happens that a role or characteristic is ascribed to us that we reject or that does not correspond to our idea of ourselves. Even if we feel comfortable in this role, we have not agreed that others may treat us in this way.
Scenarios are forced upon us that do not correspond to our own ideas.Whether we are written to with “Na horny guy, I want to serve you and lie at your feet. I can hardly wait to live in your body and ravage your hot body every day” or whether we receive a message with “I want you to wait for me naked, kneeling and blindfolded in a room. I will push you to your limits and take you to worlds you can’t imagine.”
Whoever starts a conversation like this has not obtained our consent beforehand. They have already put us in a certain role in their head and have decided what we should be for them without knowing us. These men also have the potential to demand something from us or do something to us and then say, “How, I thought that’s what you were into?“
2. no-go: rejection of the safeword
“I play without a safeword. I know my lover and can recognise from his eyes when it’s getting too much for him.“
Your safeword is a crucial safety mechanism. It serves as a clear signal to stop if you don’t want to continue. Someone who does not recognise this has only their own needs in mind. A man who thinks he always knows what’s going on inside you is arrogant. Especially if you don’t know each other well yet or are just starting to play, it’s impossible for your partner to know what’s going on inside you. For example, you could use the traffic light code or another stop signal instead of setting your own safeword.
A safeword is important and applicable for everyone involved in the game, regardless of their role. Someone who downplays the importance of a safeword and perceives this as a limitation is self-deprecating. Such people are focussed on themselves and will not engage with you. They often tend to use gaslighting, a form of psychological violence. With a safeword, this could look like this: “If you have a safeword, you are implying that I want to harm you! You don’t want to trust me!”
3. disregard your personal boundaries
Experiencing limits can be fascinating and intense. They are an integral part of BDSM: overcoming fears and immersing yourself in new experiences. However, you should be introduced to such experiences slowly. Trust and security in your partner are crucial, and it’s important that the steps are taken carefully. A guy who doesn’t respect your boundaries or carelessly steps over them shows a lack of respect for your personal judgement. If you have clearly communicated where your boundaries lie, anything beyond that is a violation of your comfort zone. There was a time when people said, “The sub must be broken.” This was about believing that true submission can only be achieved by overcoming and subduing your own will. Nowadays, however, there is a clear consensus: true submission can only be achieved through voluntary submission in a powerless situation.
4. plays under the influence of substances
“Don’t drink and kink“: This principle is now firmly anchored in the BDSM scene, as playing under the influence of mind-altering substances can quickly go wrong. There is a clear warning for people who want to play carelessly or perform sexual acts while intoxicated. Stimulants can loosen the tongue, alter the mood and are often widely used in social situations. But under the influence of alcohol, drugs or other substances, you do not make the same conscious decisions as when you are not under the influence.
In a state in which you can no longer safely participate in road traffic, you should not engage in risky practices. Clear communication and control over your own body and perception should always be ensured, regardless of your position in the game. Of course, this warning does not apply across the board to everyone and at all times. Conscious consumption can take place in long-term, established or agreed relationships. But at the beginning, when you are just getting to know each other, you should be careful. So if your date frivolously tries to play with you after drinking a few glasses of alcohol, hands off!
&By the way, this warning applies not only to the consumption of substances, but also to strong moods and feelings such as pride, attention and the environment. At a party, even without alcohol or drugs, you can quickly become intoxicated by your surroundings, the looks of others and the attention. You push yourself harder, go further and show yourself more openly. Even in moments like these, it is important to remember your own boundaries, your lover’s boundaries and agreements and wishes. Is your date trying to take advantage of such a mood situation? This is definitely a wwarning signals BDSM (red flag)!
5. acceptance without explicit agreement
“Of course you like it, I know that.“
In contrast to point one, this case refers to the fact that you have already had direct contact with a man, i.e. you have met in real life. The guy acts or confronts you with something without prior agreement or consent and assumes that you will like it. This line is often crossed, especially in the area of similar preferences. However, just because someone is into raging does not automatically mean that they are into gags. Just because someone likes humiliation doesn’t necessarily mean they favour dirty talk.
Someone who acts without prior consultation and then tells you how you should feel about it is overstepping your boundaries. And if necessary, interrupt the situation rather than putting up with it.
6. lack of boundaries, lack of taboos
“I have no boundaries. You can do whatever you want with me!”“
At first, it may feel like absolute freedom. A perfect opportunity to finally live out all your desires. But a guy who can’t set his own boundaries hasn’t done enough research into what he really wants or doesn’t want. Be careful with this wwarning signals BDSM (red flag), because the potential for “too much” or “too little” is very high.
7. manipulation of emotions
Emotional exploitation involves both deliberate manipulation and the creation of dependency, whether in specific situations or permanently. This can include constant criticism of appearance, performance or character. The suppression of one’s own opinion, the questioning of perception and memory or even the destabilisation of one’s own self: There are many types of emotional exploitation. Often your own conscience or morals are used against you.
Some of these things can happen unconsciously, but they are only harmful when they are used consciously. Of course, for some subs, serving their Master or Mistress around the clock, handing over all decisions and being controlled by others can be the ultimate in pleasure. However, this only happens with mutual consent and in the best interests of the other person.
With emotional manipulation, you often question yourself: “Can I do this? Would I be allowed to? Am I good enough for this? I’d better not, as I was so heavily criticised for it on the last occasion.” You reduce yourself, develop fears, feelings of shame and doubt. Sometimes you even lose parts of your own personality through such behaviour.The difficulty lies in recognising such behaviour. It is often only recognised by third parties or outsiders. This is because people who use such manipulative tactics are often masters of manipulation and conversation.
8. inability to admit mistakes
BDSM is based on trust, as many types of play can be seen from the outside as assault, deprivation of liberty or condoning. It is important to always keep this in mind when getting involved. This problem can occur in all relationships. In BDSM, however, it becomes particularly problematic when someone is unable to admit mistakes and apologise, even though they know something wrong has happened and regret it. Sometimes you simply make mistakes, grip too tightly, make false assumptions, misread signs, communicate poorly or get carried away. Misunderstandings, differences of opinion or mishaps are normal. Mistakes happen and can be apologised for.
But if a mistake is not recognised afterwards and no apology is given, it shows that these situations are not being taken seriously. Even if the pain was only temporary and accidental. Your body, mind and emotions are important, and someone who sees injuries or transgressions as unimportant is treating you with disrespect. In order to build trust and experience or practice honest devotion, you must be able to admit mistakes and apologise. Because otherwise your disrespect will not be recognised.
9. Use comparisons as a challenge
“Well, my last sub took it in its stride.“
Experience is important and helps us to shape the game and the future. Comparisons can be useful, as every man and body are different. But comparisons can also be stressful and make someone feel inferior. Statements such as “You can’t do it” or “Better than you. More than you. Harder than you.” hit men on a painful and deep level. Sometimes comparisons are not even made with a guy from the past, but with someone from the internet, based on pictures, videos or stories.
A man who doesn’t sufficiently appreciate your achievements or your willingness to engage in certain practices, who constantly compares you to others and devalues you as a result, shows a lack of goodwill towards you. Every achievement you make is great and unique. You alone decide whether you need to improve, and no one else. But positive comparisons with other people are also definitely a warning signals BDSM (red flag). Because seeing yourself as “better” than someone else may make you feel good in the moment. But someone who speaks badly about others may not be happy to do the same about you either.
10. unhealthy incitement
Similar to challenging through comparisons, using reverse psychology can also be problematic:
“You can’t do that anyway. You can’t stand it!”“
Stubbornness is a characteristic that is inherent in all of us. What may seem like an effective tool in the school playground is unfortunately also used on adults to get them to achieve, endure or persevere. A challenge can be okay if it is tackled together and not pushed too hard. Shared goals can even be a positive sign in a relationship. But behind a challenge there is not only success and achieved goals, but also the risk of losing and failing. The negative feeling that can arise then serves as confirmation for the person who instigated the challenge.
Sometimes you hear from a submissive man: “… and then they say ‘You can’t do it’. I then stuck it out out of spite, look how tough and strong I am!”” This may sound good at first and be an affirmation of your own will, but ultimately you have forced yourself to do something that you wouldn’t actually have wanted or endured. Only because someone else relied on this form of stubbornness as a reaction.
11. establishment of prohibitions and arbitrary rules
Daily rules, restrictions and rituals can be a sign of stability and connection in a BDSM relationship. If devotion and the feeling of power are strong enough, firm rules can be a nice addition. However, it becomes critical when these rules mainly consist of prohibitions. The question arises: Aren’t bans simply strongly formulated rules? Yes and no. A ban can be seen as a rule in a way. However, the problem with bans is that they are often strongly worded and judgemental, which can feel negative.
For example, if you agree as a rule to communicate transparently about your other contacts, this is based on mutual understanding. That is a rule. However, if you are forbidden from sending messages without verification and permission, your communication will be controlled by others. A ban can create uncertainty about what you can and cannot do, and it can lead to you no longer sending certain messages even though they are important. Purposefully cutting off contact with other people and isolating a person are serious red flags.
A person who makes you feel that they are your only caregiver or that you only socialise with people they deem “worthy” is toxic and dangerous. A guy who imposes rules on you that impair or restrict your everyday functioning, your health or your ability to work is also interfering with your freedom outside of the BDSM context. Such rules should be agreed together in long and detailed discussions, not out of desire or arbitrariness. If you wish, rules can be a valuable tool for structuring your life. However, they should be adapted to your needs and not be subject to someone else’s ideas.
12. lack of gratitude and appreciation
Dedication, perseverance, achievement – words that show that something is given and that you are committed to each other. No matter which side you are on in the dynamic, you do great things and deserve recognition. A man who never thanks you, doesn’t praise you and doesn’t recognise your achievements doesn’t value your efforts. But recognition is especially important in BDSM for your self-esteem and for the value of shared experiences.
It should never be neglected.You are not self-evident. Just like your body, your confidence and your achievements. You should be treated accordingly and not settle for less. Incidentally, the statement “I’m not that good at this” doesn’t apply here. Relationships are learning processes in which everyone involved must be prepared to work on themselves. In every relationship, it is important that people are seen, understood and valued, and that this is also communicated verbally. Not just physically, but also with words.
13th lack of safety barriers
In BDSM there are more safety measures than just safewords and the traffic light system. Education and preparation are also important aspects. Researching safety measures, knowing how to use equipment and protecting yourself from sexually transmitted infections are important topics in your shared experience. It should never be taken for granted that someone wants to be touched without barriers. Instead, conversations about sexually transmitted infections and protection should take place, dangerous practices such as breathplay should be practised outside of sessions and safety equipment such as latex gloves and safety scissors should be available. For certain types of games, it can also be useful to take part in workshops or training courses beforehand, which are often also available online.
Whether toys, whips or gags: anything that comes into contact with mucous membranes, sweat or similar bodily fluids should be cleaned before and after each use. If your partner is careless with these aspects or the safety measures mentioned above, disregards or plays down your wishes, this should definitely be considered a red flag.
These were the main points of the red flags that should be observed. However, there are also other behaviours that should be viewed critically, especially with submissive and dominant men. Stay and play safe!
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