You’ve read all about it, read hot stories, and are full of anticipation about finally trying out BDSM. But the closer the moment gets, the more questions arise. BDSM for the first time… How do you start? Do you need toys? And how do you avoid turning the whole thing into a laughingstock?
The basics
Whether you call it BDSM, SM or just rough sex, it’s all about your preferences, fantasies and needs. Communication is key: talk about your desires, expectations and boundaries to find a common ground. It may be hard to talk about everything at first, but it gets easier with time, and it’s the only way to make sure you both get your money’s worth.
Clarify the framework: Play it safe
It’s better to have too many taboos than too few. Too many taboos can be crossed together, too few will lead to problems. A saying from the scene:
“No BDSM master has fallen from the sky yet, but many a sub has fallen from the ceiling.” Safety first, people.
No safeword, no play
The first thing you should do is agree on a safeword. It’s your absolute veto and if you use it, the game ends immediately. If the dominant partner doesn’t agree to this, run away. Seriously. Voluntarily and consent are essential for BDSM to remain legal and safe. A safeword like “mayday” is internationally recognised, but “mercy” simply fits better.
Additionally: signs instead of words
With gags in play, a safeword can be difficult. Non-verbal signs can help here: Batting your eyes or dropping an object. For beginners and less sensitive dominants, there is the traffic light code: Green means “all good”, yellow “it’s getting borderline”, and red “stop, stop immediately”.
Physique and psyche must be right
Trust is particularly important for the submissive part. Without trust, the game becomes an ordeal. Choose your partner carefully, because the wrong dom can spoil your desire to play. The dominant person should also make sure that they are mentally and physically stable enough to take responsibility and not harm anyone.
The first time BDSM: toys
For some, going to the sex shop for the first time is a big hurdle. Have a look around what you have at home. The kitchen is a veritable Eldorado for BDSM paraphernalia. Or have a look in an online shop:
Small instruments of torture
Hand, fingernails, teeth, ruler, wooden spoon, wooden hairbrush (beware, painful and leaves bruises), belt, wet towel – all kinds of little tormentors.
Restraints
Handcuffs, belt from dressing gown, silk scarf, dry towel. Many things can be used for other purposes.
Dripping
Candles (no beeswax candles due to the risk of burns). The whole body is suitable, but pay attention to the base.
Staples
Clamps, clothes pegs and special clothes hanger clips are great. Short duration at the beginning to avoid tissue damage.
Alcohol
A glass of champagne to lighten the mood is okay. But BDSM and drunkenness do not go together. A damp cloth with a little alcohol can be stimulating.
BDSM for the first time – how to do it
Tying up for the first time
Well, we’re finally getting to the really hot stuff! Tying someone up is great fun – you get total control not only mentally but also physically. But hey, even if it’s hot, it’s not completely safe. If one of your tied-up pig’s limbs turns blue, cold or numb, untie it immediately! Your sub must report immediately if anything tingles or goes numb. Safety first, even if it sounds harsh.
A few things are taboo for first-time BDSM because they are simply too risky. Never leave your partner alone, not even for a minute. You can pretend to leave to increase the tension, but stay close. Neck restraints? Don’t do that, it takes experience and knowledge. The head must not hang over edges or be pressed into the pillow.
And epileptics? Do not restrain them and do not restrain them, full stop. But now for the hot part: handcuffs look cool, but watch out. Cheap items often have sharp edges and can cause nasty abrasions. Always have two keys to hand, stow one away tightly. Silk scarves look sexy but can cut into the skin and knots are difficult to untie.
No matter what you tie up with, have a good pair of scissors ready to untie knots quickly. A knife will do, but be careful not to disturb the blood flow. Polyester ropes are okay, but hemp or cotton ropes are better. Dressing gown belt? A super fluffy and comfortable recommendation. If you like the fixation, get yourself some cool leather cuffs for 25 to 40 euros. It’s worth it, and now you know where to start. Happy bondage!
Hitting for the first time
So, one of you wants to be tortured a little? Then let’s see what we have to hand. But first – safety first: No blows to the head, throat, neck, joints or kidney area. Slapping is okay, but discuss it beforehand.
Start with light blows to warm up the skin and get the blood flowing. You can best control the intensity with the flat of your hand or a soft object. The buttocks, upper back, thighs and calves are perfect for strokes.
Once the skin is nice and red with blood flow, you can increase the intensity. Ruler, wooden spoon or wooden hairbrush – or a crop – these hard things should be limited to the buttocks. You know, the wet dishcloth from the kitchen, perfect for a bit of playfulness. And then there’s the belt: pull it out of your trousers in one go, form a loop, and you’re ready to give your partner a bit of a hard time. Scratching and biting are allowed, but be careful – they leave marks. If you want to go to the swimming pool or sauna soon, you should think twice.
Playing with words for the first time
And now for the head cinema! Once you’ve got this down, you can really ramp up the intensity of your game. The highlight: keep the submissive guy guessing what will happen next. Playing with your senses is particularly effective here. If you are into verbal humiliation, discuss beforehand which words are okay and which are taboo. As the dominant person, you should pay particular attention to the reactions of the other person to ensure that no personal insults such as “fat”, “stupid” or “ugly” are used. Words such as “faggot” or “bitch”, on the other hand, can go down well if used correctly.
A tip: Call your partner “my bitch”, for example, to emphasise that he is only there for you and not for everyone. After the game, you should talk about how you felt, because words can sometimes hurt more than blows.
Accidents and crashes
Mistakes always happen the first time you try BDSM. If things get really serious and someone is really hurt, don’t hesitate to call an ambulance or go to the hospital. Don’t make up wild stories, it’s no good. The doctors need to know what’s going on so that they can help you quickly. Don’t worry, they’ve seen a lot worse and kinkier things than your sex games and are sworn to secrecy.
In the event of an emotional drop, show that you are there for the other person. Give them a hug, comfort them, caress them and talk to each other. The more senses you address, the quicker your partner will calm down. Recognise a crash when the submissive partner suddenly goes quiet, starts crying or makes themselves small. You have to learn to differentiate between crashing and “flying”, but as long as you are unsure, play it safe and take it seriously.
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